See This Women Above, Thats My Mother Della Ann Tredgett. Who sadly lost her battle to cancer. On 26th September 2006! This year I have decided to do the race for life to raise money for cancer reasearch, and in memory of my mother.
How Can You Help ..?
I have booked my spot at race for life on the 10th july at 2.30pm at western park, Leicestershire UK. All donations and sponsers would be appriciated! Even as little as £1 will help. All you need to do is click the link and donate! Please Help me raise my target off £200, for cancer research and in memory of my mother. THANK YOU ! http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/...letredgett
I feel as if I’m suffocating,
In this place
Where I don’t belong
I feel disguised
Can these people actually see me?
This feeling
Is this what it’s meant to be?
The feeling of hatred
The feeling where you have no ambition
Everything is not what it seems.
Are we all going to end up happy?
Is this life as it is now?
I feel as if this is the end of the road
The road that should of gone,
Gone on for years to come
Is this how life is meant to be?
Where you feel as if you need a key
A key to open that door,
That may or may not
lead you to a happy ending.
This is life, and this
This is how it’s meant to be
You may not be happy,
But just look at what you can see
your family
You don’t need a key...
Chapter Twelve Of An Angel - Random Thought About Stars
This is my Very short little blog about stars, and what they mean to me!
Whenever I see a bright shining star alone in the night sky! I find myself closing my eyes and wishing on it ! I came to the conclusion the other night, that I will wish upon a star untill my heart stops beating. As only that single star knows what my hearts desire is.
I find myself so often listening to the famous song from the Disney film Pinocchio - When You Wish Upon a Star.
When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you
If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do
Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longing
Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true
I ask everyone out their.... Have you ever wished upon a star, and it NOT COME true! I have , and yet every night i find myself at the same window sill. gazing upon the blanket of the night as it covers the world. You look for that single star , that single bright shining star. As you find it you once again like every night before that! Closing your eyes , and whispering what your heart desires so quietly to yourself! Some say that it works only on a shooting star. Personally i dont think it matters as long as u wish on only the first single star you see! I do however believe if u see a shooting star your wish comes quicker then you hope for! This may sound crazy, but i dont care. I let you in on a little secret I wish I could steal a star , lock it away and keep it hiding from the world! Asone would say though i can dare to wish!
I will end this blog one my favourite songs about stars, as funny as it maybe i love it.Perry Como - Catch A Falling Star
Catch a falling star an’ put it in your pocket,
Never let it fade away!
Catch a falling star an’ put it in your pocket,
Save it for a rainy day!
For love may come an' tap you on the shoulder,
Some star-less night!
Just in case you feel you wanna’ hold her,
You’ll have a pocketful of starlight!
Catch a falling star an’ ( Catch a falling . . . ) put it in your pocket,
Never let it fade away! ( Never let it fade away! )
Catch a falling star an’ ( Catch a falling . . . ) put it in your pocket,
Save it for a rainy day! ( Save it for a rainy day! )
For love may come and tap you on the shoulder,
Some star-less night!
An’ just in case you feel you wanta’ hold her,
You’ll have a pocketful of starlight!
( . . . pocketful of starlight! ) [ hum in time ]
Catch a falling star an’ ( Catch a falling . . . ) put it in your pocket,
Never let it fade away! ( Never let it fade away! )
Catch a falling star an’ ( Catch a falling . . . ) put it in your pocket,
Save it for a rainy day! ( Save it for a rainy . . . Save it for a rainy, rainy rainy day! )
For when your troubles startn’ multiplyin’,
An' they just might!
It’s easy to forget them without tryin’,
With just a pocketful of starlight!
Catch a falling star an’ ( Catch a falling . . . ) put it in your pocket,
Never let it fade away! ( Never let it fade away! )
Catch a falling star an’ put it in your pocket,
Save it for a rainy day!
( Save it for rainy day! ) Save it for a rainy day!
Chapter Eleven Of An Angel - Random Thought About Clouds
Dawn comes in a flash of colour, the sky torn apart by yellow,
stark leafless trees stand out against the heavens which have thin wispy clouds that
hide the sun behind an ocean of colour that my eyes struggle to see.
Soon the brightness dies like a wilting flower and the clouds layer the sky in an
undulating landscape of gossamer;
it looks like an upside-down terrain of an alien planet –
the varied landscape of autumn.
I Often find myself curled up in bed, looking at the bedroom window daydreaming to myself. Clouds often give us a clue about what is going on in our atmosphere and how the weather might change in the hours or even days to come. For me however its the texture and colour of the clouds that grabs my attention! On a Sunny day you can often find me lying on my back in a park somewhere. Trying to make pictures out the clouds.
What is a purpose of a cloud.......?
We all know what a cloud is, but sometimes i just wonder really what other pupose it has. It just sits their a blanket of colourful fluffyness. covering he world. So few can touch it.
The birds as they fly through the open airs.?
Airplanes flying to get some place exotic.?
Jasmin from Aladdin, as she flys on a magic carpet ride. ?
If we could really touch the clouds in the sky, what we we honestly feel...?
Would it be fluffy like cotton candy?
Would it be soft or rough?
Would it slip through our fingers?
Would it taste sweet or bitter?
How Many Of us in our lives will ever get to really go in the skys and find out?
When i was little, I used to ask my mum the same question whenever i heard a thunder storm. Mum why are the clouds so angry ..? My mother would scoop me up in her arms, look out the window and reply...
" Their arguing over which clouds the fluffest "
Now whenever i look out my window, and I see a thunder storm. I remember my mums words even though i now know the truth . I cant help but smile at the thought!
It Just Shows us what silly little thing clouds are, and how they never fail to keep me guessing!
Love is defined in so many ways. The dictionary for example describes love As ....
Love - A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
When I asked my friends, on what the thought love was, I got such replies as
♥... A whole heap of sh*t you take off someone. You do stupid things for... cant escape yet completely hate it as much as you like it... Brings you good times and wonderful feelings! A complete headache...
♥... Love for your kids it means love unconditionally whatever they do you always love them and cant imagine life without them.
♥... Life’s most desirable, yet unfathomable journey through the known, unknown and beyond. Takes you up takes you down and twists everything u know in ways you cant even imagine.
♥... Love for a partner meaning true love is so strong you can go through nearly anything together and still come out the other side its has its ups and down the downs can be lower then the floor the high can be higher then the cloud but you still love each other through it all.
♥... Love is well true love is indescribable you can’t get the person out of your mind ever it even changes the way you live your life.
♥... A great many things without, good and bad
♥... One Friend Said, I've never had a romantic love, so... to me, family love is where you'd do anything for them and know that they'd do anything for you. Friend love is where you go that extra mile for them when they need it, and trust that they'll help you out as much as they can. Actually, in both cases I'll say that love trusting that person.
Then I Got Some Silly Answers Like..
♥... Love is when you or your partner can take a sh*t while one of you brushes your teeth.
♥... Not kicking you out of bed when u have cold feet.
So I Wonder Is love a real thing or is it something we have just become accustomed to?
Whoever said the phrase "It's better to have loved and lost than to have loved at all" probably was never in love. Love will hurt you at some point in your life - whether that's the feeling you get or the physical attributes to loving someone.
I've been in love and know how it feels. I also know the sadness and hurt involved in not being with that someone anymore. You can try and be as strong as you like, but if it's REAL love, you can't just let that go. Yes, you can move on, you can find another (or maybe more), but if you REALLY feel love for someone, then that can't be erased.
Heartbreak is not just a phrase to fill up some lyrics in a song, it's a real thing and if you've ever felt it, you know what it's like. Friends and family may give you the usual clinches (most of which ring true) but at the time, you don't want to hear them. It's a grievance procedure. You go through anger, sadness, hurt and everything else. When it comes to this, you need to have those who you care about around you as they will care about you.
So why am I saying this? I see a lot of status updates on here spouting off about their other half, about how upset people are, etc. Facebook is not a place to air your problems. Before I go any further, I am guilty of this myself. It just feels right at the time to say, literally' "What's On Your Mind?"
Don't hide your feelings - as it's what makes us human, but maybe FB isn't the place to do that.
Going back to the title of this - "What is Love?" - it's not something you can describe or experience unless you've been there. I've often worn my heart on my sleeve and unfortunately it's been unrequited.
We all experience 'love' at some point in our lives - And when you do and that person loves you back, hold on to that! Yes, you may have the odd argument and most of those are probably about nothing. But respect that person; respect that feeling, as it's not an easy thing to come across.
Will I ever love again? Never say never. Will I ever be as open about my feelings with someone again? Probably not.
So what is 'love'? It's a splendid thing... When you have it, never let it go. There's too much hate in this world already.
And please, I beg of you - don't just throw the word around. It doesn't matter what age you are - if you 'feel' like you're in love with someone, make sure first. You can LOVE someone, but are you IN love with that person? If you use it and don't mean it, it will only lead to more hurt later on.
Sitting next to My mother, I whispered in her ear “I love you mum, I will always love you and keep you in my heart”. Although facing her own death, my mother squeezed my hand and although I didn't hear it, I was told she whispered her final goodbye to me, She had heard my words and understood them. It's Been Three Years today that my mother passed away. Their are so many things I never got to say to my mum. I think today I can finally find the strength to say what I want. Today I Write My letter to her. Today I write my final goodbye........
My Dearest Mum,
Its still hard to believe God felt the need to take you away from me. It's 3 years since your death on 26th September 2006, That date is locked in my mind for eternity its the day you left me here alone.
I think about you everyday .I've already forgot what your voice sounded like, if it wasn't for the photos, I'm sure i would have forgot what you looked like too. I have tried the best to make something of my life , but losing you didn't make it easy.
I was stuck down with depression, close to the edge of suicide, but I knew that Hayden, Granddad and you were watching me and protecting me in those moments of loneliness. I was so lucky to have known such a cocky, fun and lovable person in my life. Their is not a day that goes by where i don't think of you. Some Nights i sit and talk to you, preying that you will hear me, wishing that you would reply. I'm trying so hard to make Hayden and you very proud of me. I do miss Hayden terrible, My little brother that never got to grace this Earth. I remember seeing him lying in a sky blue coffin, Dressed up he looked like a doll, so delicate. You placed the teddy i brought him inside as we said our goodbyes. I know it was hard for you after Hayden died I saw the hurt in your eyes though you wouldn't admit it to me. We all tried so hard to carry on after his death, Months went by, and then the day i had been dreading for months came. It was the day we went back to the hospital for your test results. Waiting their with you sitting in the waiting room, Looking around I could see the fear on so many patients faces.
So many questions was running through my head, questions i wanted to ask you but i couldn't. I sat anxiously, waiting for them to call your name. I saw the fear in your eyes too. Though No spoken words Would have change how you must have been feeling. Then the moment we had both been dreading, they opened the door, called out your name. You slowly got up, I saw the fear in you eyes grows stronger, you turned to me and smile trying to pretend like nothings wrong. As you entered, And the door closed i was left to wait again.
Time seemed to stop, I kept looking at the clock, and it felt like it wasn't moving, i felt trapped, destined to stay in this one place for eternity, destined to wait for you forever. So many thoughts go through my head.
Is It Back?
What Can Be Done?
Will you Be OK?
Can I Do anything?
Then I stopped ....................................
The door opened , I saw the tears in your eyes. I know the answer to all my questions. I froze , I Couldn't move and I couldn't speak. Tears started to fill my eyes, I know my worst fears have come back to haunt me.
Sitting down next to me, You wrapped me in your arms. I could feel your warm embrace, Kissing my forehead you whispered you be OK. I tried so hard to speak mum but no words come out, All i could do was sit and cry in your arms, shacking my head. Slowly I brought myself together. I manged to say the one unanswered question that's was burning in my mind!
How Long?
I remember looking into your eyes mum , tears slowly rolling down both our cheeks, you tried to hard to smile and as you whispered Not Long Danielle, I'm Dying. I felt my world crashing down before my eyes. The walls seemed to cave in on me. From that very moment mum, I promised myself to make your last days with me special. I set myself a mission and I wasn't going to break it. I was still trying to let the news sink in when we got home. I sat their in my room tears still rolling down my face, when i started to think about your dreams and wishes. With such short time left, would i ever be able to fulfill you wishes. Then another thought crossed my mind, I didn't know your wishes mum! It was hard for me to ask such a upfront question next morning over breakfast, but without doing so I would not have got the answered I needed so desperately. As i sat and listened to your wishes, I started writing down a List. It toke me ages to figure out how I could do half the wishes you wanted to do. Their was only one wish i could do, Meeting the dreamboys! Without money though it was impossible , but thanks to Bari i made it come true for you mum! I remember your face when I told you, it was a picture. It was a mixture of happiness, tears and shock! I never seen you smile so much. The day arrived when you went to meet the boys. Bev and you was so excited and I was jealous i wanted to meet them. As you said goodbye to me at the club doors, i realized i done it i made your final wish come true! You looked stunning that night mum, and looking through the club windows seeing you talk to the boys tears started running down my cheeks. This was to be one memory i have for the rest of my life. I remember the day the boys and Bari sent you a signed poster for Christmas, you couldn't stop talking about it. I still have them with me!
Can you remember the day i got my GCSE Results mum? Handing you my results, i remember the smile on your face, its something i will never forget. I had passed them all, even with everything that was going on in our lives. The weeks went by mum and you grew weaker. When you went into Kingston Hospital i know you wouldn't come home again. I would never hear your laughter which would fill the rooms off our once warm home. I never hear you shouting at me through my bedroom door. I would never come home to find you waiting to hear how my day was. You moved into a hospice , everyone came to see you, Ian, Bev, Jade & Christina. We tried to make you smile, but we knew your final days was near. Then came the day i had been dreading for a year, the day you was taken away from this earth. As our family and in a sense our extended family, including Bev and and Ian gathered next to your beside, we said our final goodbyes. Holding your hand i knew you was slipping away from me mum, i whispered in your ear how much i loved you, you grabbed my hand but i couldn't hear u
you whisper it back and for this im sorry. I had to leave the room i couldn't bear to see you die in front of me. It was another few minutes in till the nurse came up to me and said you had slipped away. You was only 40 mum! Ian toke your ring off your finger the gold one you wore so much, and reminded me that you wanted me to have it, i placed it on the same finger you wore it mum, and i never take it off!
I kept saying to myself I wont cry I wont let my self, I burst out of the building into the gardens. I kept saying to myself I wont cry cause if I do then its real and there's not a thing I can do about it. We all broke down that night, I not only lost my mum, i lost my best friend that day, Nan lost a loving daughter, Your brothers lost a sister, Bev and Ian lost their best friend, and Jade lost her second mum. You left behind nieces and nephews and friends who loved you so dearly. How could we even break the news to people Like Keiran and Callum how do we tell them that their auntie Della was in heaven with the angels? I couldn't bear to see your body mum, it was to hard for me, but as the days went by drawing up to your funeral I finally found the courage to go see you. Looking at you as you lay so peacefully in your coffin, you looked so different, they combed the curl out of your hair, so jade redid it for you, I Gave them your mother necklace that i brought you, i wanted you to wear it for eternity, we placed photos in your coffin, so you never forget us, Photos of me, Photos of Your nieces and nephews. Photos that we thought you want with you. I remember Nan and Kayley being their when i said goodbye, Kayley was scared she thought your wake up and start joking with us that you wasn't gone, you was still here. I wishes so hard that you would, but i knew it would never be. The funeral was the next day, As everyone gathered at our house, Family and Friends, we waited for you to arrive. You had so many flower tributes mum it shows how loved you really was! Ian called me to say they was about to put the lid on your coffin, and wanted if anyone wanted to say something before they did, I broke down all i could tell him to say to you was that We all loved you and i made you promise to wait for me. The funeral car arrived and we placed your flowers next to you, everyone on the street came out to wish you farewell. You arrived at the St lukes church with the song we chosen for you, Westlifes – You raise me up.
At funeral I read the poem i wrote for you . Standing up in front of everyone, I promised myself not to break down as I read it. It wasn't in till they Played the song Wind beneath my wings that I broke down, my legs gave way and i couldn't stop the tears. We went to the crematory, for our final goodbye. I realized this is it! You wont be coming back, My mum is gone. I didn't want to leave your side, I grabbed hold of your coffin and just broke down, Neil comforted me and led me away but still I wouldn't let go, i remember my arms being lifted from your coffin as i was held up and walked outside. I couldn't take it Everyone's faces was a blur to me mum. So many faces had come to say goodbye to you, and yet they just was blurred i couldn't see as tears filled my eyes. Ian and I Was to collect your ashes the next day. We celebrate you life at the wake remembering everything we could about you. I wish you was their mum. Bev was telling me about the time you put salt in your tea and them i swear you must have been their because the next second she put sugar over her dinner! We all burst out laughing and wherever you are im sure you did to! The next day Ian drove us up to collect your ashes and get the flowers, I held your urn in my arms and as we sat in the car driving to Hayden's Grave which was to be your last resting place, As i looked in the urn looking at what used to be my previous mother i felt the ashes and joked with Ian which part of her to you think im poking. Just then a burning mark come up on my wrists and i know you was telling me! As we arrived at Hayden's grave we had to be quiet and careful as we poured your ashes in, just as you wanted. I whispered goodbye and told Hayden to look after you. A Robin came down on Hayden's cross, I remember the story you told me about Hayden's robin and i knew that he was their, he understood what i was asking of him. We laid the flowers on your grave and said our goodbyes. You was at peace now mum out of pain.
My heart breaks and with it the flood gates of emotion I tried to hold back, My face is a river and I cant even feel it anymore, Looking at your final resting place questions burned in my mind.
Will you be scared? How can I protect you there. Do you forgive me for all the times I was mean to you. Do you still love me even though I was a brat? Don't leave Mum !!!
I wish you was here , just so you can celebrate my 20th birthday with me on 9th October, the day you brought me into the world! I cant believe your not gonna be here to see me hit the big 20 , i miss you everyday birthdays, and Christmas seems to be the worst. I miss the smile of you handing me my cards and presents. I miss you singing (badly i might add) happy birthday to me. I know your presence is still around and i hope that wherever you are you remember that i love you and on my birthday i will be thinking of you.
Since you been gone, so much has Happened....
I have since split with Chris, and was seeing Someone called Harry for 2 months I sadly split with him to, A month after my split With Harry, I suffered a miscarriage and I hope mum that my child is now safe in your arms, and you will look after them and show them the love i would have down here on earth in till the day arrives when i can see you all again. I have also decided to try become strong like you mum, and not let my heart hurt anyone. I lost someone i loved the day you died, and have lost people I loved so dearly since. Its not worth it anymore and have chosen to keep my heart locked away.
We also sadly lost Simon 2 years ago now, and I know your looking after him in heaven.
Casper the gold fish has sadly gone to! Yes mum his gone to the fish pond in the sky!
I have some good news though mum!
Neil And Chrissie Finally tied the knot mum! I couldn't make the wedding but they looked gorgeous and i know that you was with them on their happy day, you could never miss and opportunity to party and specially not with people who you thought of as family and loved dearly.
Your Second Daughter Jade, Has given birth to a beautiful baby boy Called Mason Leon Terry on 14th August 2009. His gorgeous mum i wish you could see him, I kept telling Jade if you had your way that baby be born on your birthday, your be making Jade eat a curry while jumping up and down. I'm sure if you was here your be cuddling him loads and buying lots of gifts you always was a softy and who can blame you, his adorable.
Paul has got engaged to a lovely women Called Sally - Ann , and as much as i thought i be bitter about it. I'm not, because no one can replace you in my heart. Also because Dad is happy and I'm glad that he has found someone to share his life with.
Oh One last thing I finally got a tattoo as well, your properly kill me if you was alive! I remember you always saying don't you ever get a tattoo done, well i wanted one in memory of you And Hayden, not to spite you though i remember you saying your not having a tattoo, over my dead body! After you passed away i decided i wanted one so your always close by, the tattoo i wanted i didn't have enough money for and being my first tattoo I properly end up crying, so i choose a smaller one for my body, and when i have the money i will get the one in memory of you and Hayden.
I have filled up to memory boxes of the times i spent with you, and often look at them when i miss you. Everything is in their, tickets to the theater, to a postcard from Bournemouth. It reminds me of the times we shared together and the happiness you brought me in life.
I will always miss you Mum but I know your in heaven. I will keep my promise and I will never forget you , I promise to make something of my life, and make you proud. I know there is hope where I used to think there wasn't any! I love you Mum.
Sweet Dreams
Love always your Daughter
Danielle
Three years have passed
I’ll never forget the day
When they sat me down and told me
That you’d had gone away
The hurt is the same
Like an open wound
There are days
I don’t utter a sound
Some days the pain is stronger
It makes me sick and weak
I can’t stand this much longer
I just sit here and weep
I’ve shut my private door
And let no one in
Locking myself in a box
They try, but I won’t give in
You were like a rock
Strong, faithful and true
What worth has my life
Now I don’t have you
I was your first born
Mummy's little girl
I took my own path
But was still part of your world
I was not the best
Guilty of neglect
But you know mother dearest
I had so much respect
I always loved you
My mum, my star
Now my pain is
To worship you from afar
I love you now
As I did back then
I just hope... one day
I will see you again
I am so proud of you
Brave and strong to the end
Now when asked “how are you?”
There is no need to pretend
We all love and miss you so much, sleep well
and take care of all who went before you
Sunday was a difficult day collecting the rest of my stuff from my Ex Boyfriends Place. In fact it's been a difficult few weeks! I am finding that the nights are hardest for me. I can't sleep. I Miss him watching me sleep, His breath on my skin. Sunday morning I woke up crying. It was like a closer in a way, the end of something that I guess was never meant to be, As much as I wish it was, as much as I wish i could change what happened between us. I can't ........ I can only prey that one day he forgives me.
Anyway I got up,got washed and dressed and got on a bus to his, ready to collect my stuff. I was early so decided to nip to the shop for a pack of ciggies to calm me down. I looked a mess. Yet put a brave face on. It was harder then i ever thought it could be. I was at odds with myself. I keep telling myself life goes on...someone out there is looking for me too...get it together girl. And I am also telling myself I miss his kisses...I miss the way his arms encircled me. Is it really possible to feel for someone else the way I feel for him? This is...I mean was ...my first real adult relationship, i never loved ANYONE as much as i loved him and I am lost. Sure I have had boyfriends in the past, but no one that I loved as much as this guy. I feel the ever present pain dulling. I know i was the one who hurt this guy and i wish with all the breath i have that i could take back what i did to hurt him. I guess you never realize how much you love someone till their gone. I come home from collecting my stuff, and put on the one song that just describes how i feel right here right now. Describes how much im still in love with this guy and how much i hurt him, i will never forgive myself for what Ive done. As tears rolled down my eyes the words hit me.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while His got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
His best days will be some of my worst
While I'm wide awake his no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos his moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
So the words wont make sense to you most likely, but i am in pieces. I'm still friends with this guy, and i rather have that then risk hurting him again! I guess what im trying to say is this ............
1)Embrace every moment you have with that one special loved one
2)Don't Lie to them, honestly the best policy!
3)Accept that you did wrong, try make things right.
4)Tell them everyday you love them.
5)Never go to bed on an argument!
To end this blog i say this ........... Again
TO THIS man im sorry
To My Readers Thank you
To my heart, please beat again
and to everyone else
Everyone has a wish, a single dream that they hold onto for a lifetime. It's the secret that we keep locked inside our hearts. It's the goal we set ourselves. Some people will go a lifetime without ever fulfilling their wish. Their our others who will spend a fortune, just to make their wish come true. Then there are the few like myself, who's only goal is to fulfill a wish of a loved one. This chapter of my life story is about the goal I set myself, what I did to fulfill that goal. This chapter is about the Last Wish.....
I was still trying to let the news of my mums dreaded fate sink in. That night after getting home from the hospital. As I sat listening to music, trying to calm myself down. Gabrielle's – Dreams came on the radio, it was that very moment i started to think about my mums dreams, her wishes. With such short time left, would she ever be able to fulfill her wishes. Then another thought crossed my mind, I didn't know my mums wishes! The next morning over breakfast, I started quizzing her about the things she wished to do before she died. It was hard for me to ask such a upfront question, but without doing so I would not have got the answered I needed so desperately. As i sat and listened to her wishes, I started writing down a List. On this list, their was only one wish i could try fulfill. This was to be her Last Wish, Although at the time she didn't know it quite yet.
THE LIST OF WISHES
Swim With Dolphins Go To a Dreamboy's Show <------------------------- The Last Wish
Meet Donny Osmond Run The London Marathon
As My mum went out to visit her best friend Bev, I started getting to work. Starting up the computer i had a mission! I was going to get my mum tickets to see the Dreamboys in show. As i logged into the computer, and started up the internet. I went straight onto Google, typing in Dreamboys shows i came across my first hurdle. The Tickets to the next show had almost all been booked. Without any money to my name, i started to think about who i could ask to help me. It was then that i had an idea, i was going to write to the manger of the boys themselves, i was to tell them about my mums dream, the mission i was on and whether he could help me get the tickets at a reduced price. This was to be the first contact i had with the boys manger Bari Bacco. Opening up my hotmail, i started typing the email to Bari, the email that could potentially fulfill my mums very dream. My palms started sweating. Would he even reply? I didn't know but i had to take a chance. My heart started racing as a moved the cursor over the send button. Taken a deep breath i closed my eyes, and finally clicked it.
Then came the waiting..
I decided not to tell mum what i was planning. It was a secret i was to keep intill the time came that i would make her Last wish come true. Two days passed and i hadn't heard anything. As i started up the computer on the third day , Logging into my email, Their was one that court my eye. BARI BACCO !! My Heart skipped a beat, and a million thoughts ran through my head. What was he going to say? Slowly I moved the cursor over the email. As i read through it a smile came across my face, i had to read it twice before it finally sank in. Bari had agreed to give me two free tickets to the show in Southampton. As i was underage i was unable to go into the club. Along with the free tickets, he was given my mum & A Friend VIP access into the club, which meant she didn't have to Que, her name was to be on the list. Finally the surprise that shocked me the most, Mum & A Friend was going to meet the boys in person, and have photos taken with them! I couldn't Reply straight away as the secret was out. I was going to have to tell my mum, otherwise how else would i get her down to Southampton !
Walking down stairs, i couldn't withhold my joy any longer. Walking into the living room where mum was watching TV. I sat down beside her, looking at her I asked her to remind me what her wishes was before she died. As she went through the list i stopped her when she came to "Go to a Dreamboys Show!" . I slowly said well least i got one thing right because your meeting the boys! The look that came across her face was priceless. At first she didn't believe me, so i started slowly telling her, the goal i set myself. How I Contacted Bari himself. What i had written and what he replied. Typical Mother though she still didn't believe me, so i toke her upstairs to the computer and showed her the email. Slowly she started to cry, wrapping me in her arms , she whispered you did all this for me? All i could do was nod, and say it was your wish and I wanted to help. 10 minutes passed before mum finally manged to calm down! As you can imagine the first person my mum rang was of course her best friend Bev. It seemed like my mum was on the phone for hours, she was telling her everything i done. How i manged to get the VIP tickets, and when the show was. Then came our next hurdle, One hurdle i forgot about how would they get their? Then our prays was answered in the form of Bev's Husband Eric. After Bev told Eric what i had done for mum, he was more then willing to drive the girls down to Southampton for the show! Running back upstairs as fast I could, I got straight onto my email. I started typing the next email to Bari, explaining that the girls would be their. Within the hour he had replied , sending me details of the club, and the details needed for the girls. A month went by and soon the big day arrived. The day mum had been waiting for. The day her last wish was to come true, thanks to me. Waking up that day, i don't know who was more excited me or mum. The day went by so slowly, we kept watching the clock, it seemed like the time would never come, but it did! Getting mum ready in her outfit she looked so stunning, with her beautiful black hair and her rosy lips. I hadn't seen her smile so much in what seemed like forever. Then come the knock at the door, the knock that boomed around the house. Running downstairs to answer the door. Bev walked in with Eric, I couldn't thank him enough for helping me out. Getting in the car to drive down to Southampton, looking out the window the scenery seem to rush by us. It wasn't long before we got to Southampton. Parking up the car, we walked to the club, with each step my mums smile grew. Finally the time arrived, the girls walked to the front of the que, kissing me goodbye my mum walked into her wish. I waited with Eric while the show went on, sitting in a cafe we was wondering what the girls was getting up to., whether mum was really living her wish. Both Eric and i has agreed that they was properly getting up to mischief, its what they did best when they was together. Two hours passed and we decided to see whether the girls had finished, walking to the club. I couldn't believe my eyes when i looked into the window! Their was the Dreamboys oiled up and in black shorts, next to them was Mum and Bev. Posing for photos. Waving through the window, the boys and mum caught me looking. Waving mum explained that i was the one who wrote the email to Bari. The boys blow me kisses through the window and the cheeky things also flashed their bottoms! It was a teenage girls worst nightmare, but my mums wish! Next moment i got asked by a security guard to come down from the window, he also said to me that he had heard from Bari himself what i had done for mum. I was called a brave Girl, then the manger of the club come up to me! I thought i was in trouble, but he was telling me that the boys had requested i come in for a photo with them and my mum, they thought i was a hero for doing what i did to make her dream come true. Sadly because i was to young the manger explained that it was against policy and even in this case he couldn't make an exception. Next the manger passed a message from the boys and Bari to me , Saying they hoped My mum had a lovely day and that i was a credit to her. Smiling all I could do was whisper Thank you. Then the time came for the girls to go home. I can tell you for a fact, it was a nightmare getting them away from the boys! The boys had told the girls they was going to get changed into normal Clothes and come talk to them. Unfortunately because i was not aloud in the club to come talk to them, my mum had said she thought it best they make a move. The boys respect their wishes and told my mum to keep in touch. Walking out the club my mum told me every detail, how the sat right at the front as the show began. How the girls in the toilet was bitching about them , as the boys showed a lot of attention to my mum and Bev. How they walked out and got tapped on the shoulder and told to follow the manger, how they thought they was in trouble! How they got sat in a VIP area, and what happened when the boys come over to take photos and talk to them. How the boys refused to have photos with anyone but my Mum And Bev. Words could no describe how proud i was of myself at that point, I DID IT!! I had made my mums wish come true. Driving home the girls couldn't stop talking about it, and I just know my mum was dreaming about it when she went to bed, the photos toke pride of place beside her bedside table. The next day i made my next contact with Bari, thanking him for what he did for my mum, he still had one surprise in store for us both. Christmas came around and Bari and the boys sent mum and myself, a load of posters, One of which was addressed to mum and me was signed by Bari & all the boys. Needless to say those posters went on mums wall, and mine of course. You don't think i let her have all the joy. After mum's Sad Death, I made my final contact with Bari & The boys, informing them of the news. I had such a lovely and heart full reply back. Bari wrote about how brave my mum was, how ever since the boys met my mum, how they kept asking how we both was. The news shocked them all. Sadly I have had little contact with Bari Since. I had reached my goal, I had made my mums last wish come true. Now I've made new goals, new wishes. Did i reach them? Well That my friends is a chapter thats yet to be written. Intill next time god bless and remember one thing. A dream is a wish your heart makes, when your fast asleep! xx
Chapter Six Of An Angel - Behind The Mask You Wear
Do you ever Feel Like if you show someone who you really are...they won't accept you?
Ever Feel Like being yourself isn't good enough? So you wear a mask.
I Have often felt like this, Many a times I Have found myself wearing a mask. So today I have decided to write My Next Chapter of My Life About The Masks we wear in our lifetime. About The Masks I've worn in my Lifetime......
Who are you behind the mask? Are you brave enough to stand up and totally, be yourself? Or do you put on a mask to get through your life? Maybe like me you have Several masks: choosing to wear different ones depending on your role in life.
What do I mean exactly by a mask? I'm not talking about fancy-dress masks – although there is a connection. When we wear a fancy-dress mask we are pretending to be someone else. When we wear our masks in everyday life, we are also being someone we are not. Our mask is the face of the person we show to the outside world. It is our protective Armour. And so often it is a far cry from who we know ourselves to be on the inside.
THE NEW-AGE GUY MASK Men are expected to want to do well at work, be the main bread winner (usually!), be tough and decisive, and protect their loved ones. Their is Nothing new about these ideas, but on top of this men are now also expected to be 'sensitive', do more at home, be talented lovers, be the 'nice' guy at work and show they care for the world. TV and films show unrealistic scenarios of this new-age-guy, yet the way this is shown makes it look so real that any man not living up to this model, is thought to be less of a man. Balancing the natural macho elements with the more feminine caring side is not easy – so pretending it is, this is a common mask that men wear.
THE SUPERWOMAN MASK This is a mask I know so very well. It'a The Mask I wear so often. It's worn by many women who are trying to do everything: be a Mum or daughter, do the household chores, care for their loved ones, and of course be a great lover — because in the films it works out like that—doesn't it? Though, it's equally hard for women as it is for men. We are supposed to be to juggle everything and not have a hair out of place. And when we can't—because who can?—then many women put on the SuperWoman mask hoping the outside world will not see the flaws on the inside.
WHY DO WE WEAR MASKS? Mostly it's because we're scared! Our parents, teachers, culture, society and the media provide us with a band of 'acceptable' ways of being. When we feel who we are on the inside – this less-than-perfect self – doesn't match-up to this ideal, we think that we need to conform to the norm. So we put on our mask to be the person we think we should be. Showing-up in the world with all of our flaws on show is a terrifying thought. We believe that if we come out from behind our masks then we will no longer be liked, loved, well-thought-of, or in some cases, feel safe. The idea of losing these precious things is what keeps our masks firmly in place.
HOW MUCH DOES IT COST US? So Much energy is used to keep up the charade.We have to be ever mindful of what is on show to the world – woe betide anyone who dares to show they are not the ideal person they are portraying! Yet, we can't keep up this presence all of the time. It's just too draining. When we take off our mask to the people we trust, they may accept us for who we are, or recoil on seeing the truth. If they recoil, it's often a reaction that stems from their own mask. They are not able (or perhaps ready) to take off their own mask. Instinctively we know this, so taking off your mask is a risk because rejection is not something that most people are comfortable with.There is another cost to wearing our masks. If we conform to the way we think should be, our natural diversity is stifled. Our creativity and wonderful different solutions to life stay hidden behind our masks. This cost is one I feel is the biggest shame. How amazing it would to live in a world where diversity, flaws, creativity, strength and vulnerability were not only accepted, but truly welcomed for it would change our world.
ABOUT THE MASK I WEAR.
To end this blog, I'm going to share a memory about a mask I wore Once. Let me take you back to 2005. Shortly After I found out mum was dying of cancer. , My step dad has just walked out on us. Leaving me to care for mum alone. I was also about to start Revising for my GCSE'S. I Kept asking myself, how am i going to cope? It was then that i decided to "Wear A Mask" At School i would put on a mask that showed that i was focused, that i had left my problems at home. It was a good disguise though it didn't convince my teachers. They all know the pain i was going through. At Home I wore my second mask. I called this my "happy mask, my brave mask". I wore this mask around my mum, i never let her see how i was really feeling. If i toke the mask off. My mother would have seen a terrified, broken girl in front of her. I had a choice and i made it, i would never let my mum see me without my mask. As the weeks, went on. My mum grow weaker and weaker, I through myself into revising and looking after her. Never taken off the mask. Then the day came. The day i was due to get my results of My GCSE'S. I wore the mask as i said goodbye to my mum, as i walked out the door. For the first time since getting the dreaded news about mum, I toke the mask off!. I walked to the school gates without a care in the world, as for one day everyone will be feeling the way i was. NERVOUS! Walking into the doors of the main hall, Lined up was all our form teachers and head of year. As i was handed my results both my form teacher and head of year turned to me and said. " We proud of you Danielle, no matter what results you get.". As i turned to leave my heart started beating faster and faster, as i tore the envelope open, i froze as i looked at the white paper, holding my results. It toke 3 minutes for me to come back to reality, only then i let my emotions show. First came the tears, then came the roar as i screamed out "I did it i bloody passed!" . The joy i felt in that one moment, nothing could compare. As i walked home smiling, i couldn't wait to tell my mother my results. It was to be the first time in weeks i would see her happy, the first time since the news she would see me without my mask. I treasure this moment, as it was to be one of the last few memory's i have of my mum happy before she became even weaker. As the weeks processed so did mums health, she finally ended up in hospital, then was moved to a hospice, it was then that i put my mask back on, i know then that my mother would never come home again. I would never hear the laughter which would fill the rooms off my once warm home. I never hear her shouting at me through my bedroom door. I would never come home to find her waiting to hear how my day was. Then came the day i had been dreading for a year, the day my mother was taken away from this earth. I still had my mask on, when i held her hand, as she said her dying words. "I love you Danielle". I couldn't cry, i couldn't let my family see my weakness, and although my mother was slipping away in those very moments i had to be strong for her. When we was told that she was at peace. I still wore my mask. I couldn't cry and i hated myself for it. It toke me a few hours to finally let my Armour down, then it happened all the emotions came out at once. Anger , I was angry at my own mother for leaving me! Sadness because she was gone. Hatred towards my family who could never support me when she was dying, but as soon as my mums at peace want everything to do with me. I let my guard down, and it was a while before i put it up again,
But that is another Chapter yet to be told.............
Sitting on bed last night, Surrounded by photos albums looking back on memory's I shared with Family And Friends. A single thought crossed my mind.
How long do we have on this Earth? Making Memories, Treasuring the times We have With Our Loved Ones.
Seventy-five years. That's how much time you get on this earth if you're lucky. Seventy-five years!. Seventy-five Winters. Seventy-five Springtime's. Seventy-five Summers. And Seventy-five Autumns. When you look at it like that, it's not a lot of time, is it? Don't waste them! Treasure them. Capture Every Moment. Embrace The People Around You. Forgive Those Who Have Hurt You And Live For The Moment. Dont let anything slip through your fingers.
Makes you think Should we get our head out of the rat race and forget about the superficial things that pre-occupy our existence and get back to what's important now.
Right Now. This very second. I'm not saying, drop everything and let the world come to a halt. I'm saying that you could become a seeker. You could be loving more. You could be taking chances. You could be living more. You could be spending more time with your family. You could be getting in touch with the part of you that lives instead of fears: the part of you that loves instead of hates: the part of you that recognizes the humanity in all of us. And I tell you,when you Do, That's where you become fortunate.
Let me tell you a story, That I Once Heard
There was a storm. And thousands and thousands of starfish were washed up on the shore. And there was this beautiful little girl was running down the beach and she was picking up the starfish, she was frantically throwing them back into the ocean. When someone saw her doing this they said to her, 'Why are you doing that? You can only save a few before they die, what difference does it make?' And she looked at them and she said, 'To THAT one, it makes a difference.' To THAT one, it makes a difference, that little girl said. And she was right and at that very moment she was making a difference for that starfish and she was making a difference for herself too because she was connected, to that starfish. And that's what life is all about, connecting. In fact that's the only time you're ever alive, really, is when you're connecting.
Let me tell you what everybody out there needs to find ultimate and true happiness.
This Is One Memory That I have off my mum. This was taken 3 days before she passed away. Although she was ill, she always had that smile on her face. We sat out on the balcony at the hospice she was in, laughing and giggling at the times we shared. From Our trip to Paris, to me making her dream come true and meeting the Dreamboys, to i Last holiday in Bournemouth. I never know that three days later i lose my mum forever, I hated myself for never making everyday with her special, for not showing who much i loved her and for not doing more. My point is this. Even at the toughest of times. Embrace it, hold on to what you have. If I did maybe I wouldn't of lost the only person who I truly loved.
Surrounded by photos last night. I tried to remember the memory's i shared with other people in the photos. Every picture Has a story. Whether that be the good times or the bad. Don't forget the people that shared that memory with you. Forgive those who have hurt you, whether that be a friend or ex lover who in the photo was the one who made you smile. Don't Let those go who once meant the world to you.
To end this blog, i Leave You with a Few Photos, Memories I Shared With People. God Bless And Always remember to slow down in life; live, breathe, and learn; take a look around you whenever you have time and never forget everything and every person that has a place within your heart.
There is a big different between regrets and sacrifices that most people don't seem to understand. However, thought they are related in many ways. the differences can be confused with its, sometimes, close relations. In this blog i will attempt to explain those differences as well as the relationships between the two.
Regrets are actions upon a decision that led to one's remorse as of the result of his or her choices. Of course, there are things not so obvious as well that also makes one regrets such as thoughts, ideas, opinions, and so on. A person might not act upon them but one can still regret by having them.
Sacrifices have to be made whereas regrets are a person's choice therefore, it can be avoided and altered. For example, one can try to fix one's mistake by numerous ways such as apologies, making things right, learning from it, never doing it again and the likes. Although there are some regrets that cannot be fixed, it can still be altered and avoided. Sacrifices have to be made because one can't have everything in life as much as one wants to. Regrets are human errors that can be avoided and altered.
If there is one thing in life that I am sure of, it's that I believe in being very careful about the choices you make. And once you make those choices, be sure you will not look back on them and regret them.
Let Me Tell You About A Story I Heard.
A little girl made a decision about her future. She was going to follow her dreams and ambitions no matter at what cause. She understood that the route to her success will required many sacrifices, one of which is her lack of friendships. Loneliness was what she has to endure for the rest of her life if she choices to chase her ambitions. We can discuss further the reasons as to why she has to sacrifice companionship but it will have to be for another essay, for now it is an example. I'm sure you have many doubts and questions as to the circumstances and why she couldn't have it all but for now, let's assume that she cannot. For it is human nature to want everything, to desire perfections. Along the path she meant four special people who she loved and held dearly to her heart. Against her better judgment, knowing that she shouldn't pursue their friendships, she let the friendship grew into a bond with so many promises for the future to come. She wanted to believe that she could have everything and that no sacrifices was needed. They helped and encouraged her to love and to grow and to change. They seemed necessary for her success, she reasoned illogically. If love was ever blind, she was proved. She clang onto them for as long as she could until they let her go. Her selfishness led to their departures. In the end, she knew that they had to leave. More than that, she knew that she would break their hearts if she clang but she did selfishly. She can abandon her ambitions and pursue their lifetime friendships if she wanted to. She had the option all along. It is only the matter of which she loved more: her dream or her friends. She let them go. The choice was made long before they existed that she was going to choose her dreams. They were the sacrifice, they had to go. They shouldn't be in her life in the first place.
Her one regret was that she didn't walk away when they extended their hands offering the friendship. She should have not hurt them so.
l Have lived a lifetime of regrets, Now my regrets are down to one. Certain people, One In Particular was hurt on my path to self-discovery, and although this blog may serve as a step, it in no way makes up for what I did to him. To this man, you know who you are, I am so sorry.
As an ending to this blog, I would like to say this. Sometimes in life you can regret what happened in your past, all you can do is try to make amends for it in your present so you can get on with your future.Whatever your past mistakes are, they can be redeemed and used for good if you are truly sorry. To This Man, you know who you are, and i am truly sorry. I hope one day i can redeem what i have done to you.
Forgiveness is the secret for accelerating your healing journey and bringing peace to all aspects of life.
In till My Next Chapter ................... Take Care.
When I woke up this morning, I had a thought and wanted to share it with you. I would like to also hear your opinions and such. I was thinking about our everyday Hero's that we respect and love very much. I was thinking to myself.
What is a hero?
What action does one take to become a hero?
Who are these heroes that you hear everyone talk about, but never see? The word hero is passed around too much these days.
One hears the term applied to people where it is not really necessary. Does toughness and fortitude on the field of sports really constitute toughness and fortitude on the field of battle? No, it does not. A hero is not a football player that scores the game-winning goal or the goaltender who saves his team from a loss. A hero is usually an ordinary person that did extraordinary things. A true hero is really never a hero at all: at least not in their own mind!
A hero is anyone who can show courage when faced with a problem. A hero is a person who is able to help another in various ways. A person can become a hero by saving someone who is in danger. Another example of a hero is someone who is there to help others and gives them strength to go on through life's difficulties. A hero can be someone who gave up his or her life so another could live. A hero does not always have to show courage he can be afraid but still be a hero through his other actions.
Heroes are not born heroes. People that fantasize of doing heroic things are never going to be heroes. True heroes are the people that do not think about being a hero; they just do what is instinctive to them and then do not bask in the glory of their actions.
Holding Out For A Hero - Bonnie Tyler
Hero - Chad Kroeger
Hero - Mariah Carey
Hero - Enrique Iglesias
Each had different meanings, yet some similar. Holding Out For A Hero was portraying the typical white knight in shining armor type hero that's supposed to come sweep you off your feet. Chad Kroeger's song was the superman type hero which is the one who is supposed to save the world from all of it's problems and make everything okay. Those are the hero stereotypes as seen in fairy tales and movies. Mariah Carey's version is the hero lies inside you. If you can stay strong no matter if you lose all your hope-you are a hero. In Enrique Iglesias's song, a hero is a person who can stand by their significant other, always, and be able to help them through any obstacle that came their way.
So, what really is a hero? I don't think a hero can be stereotyped. In my eyes, a hero is what you see, what you believe, and what you feel.
To End This Blog. I want to mention my Unsung Heros.
My Cousin Gary Biles
Why My Cousin Is One of my heroes. This Brave Man, battled Testicular Cancer at the age of just 15! Braving everything from an op to try remove the cancer , a Hickman line. To Having scans after scans. Gary then went through chemotherapy
and radiotherapy. In 2006 He got the all clear, but in 2007 another tumor grew, again came the the familiar scans and operations and the chemotherapy, with this his health had been up and down what with blood and platelet transfusions, his blood count had been so low his chemo had to be canceled a few times. Not once did he complain, he went through it all and put on such a brave face. I'm So proud to call him my hero and my cousin!
I used to sit by my window, looking at the outside world and i used to wonder why me? I felt that i was being punished all the time, i never understood why so many bad things could happen to a single person!
Now i believe that everything happens for a reason. I do have regrets but without the bad things that have happened to me, I guess I wouldn't be the strong person I am today!
Let me take you back to a memory i have of my life. It was the day I found out my mum was dying of cancer. I remember going to the hospital with her sitting in the waiting room. Looking around you could see the fear on so many patients faces. You try to imagine Whats running through their head. You ask yourself the same questions.
Do They Feel Scared?
Do They Accept What they could have?
And then you stop ........................ The only sound you hear is the clock ticking in the background, the cries of the people coming out of the doctors rooms after hearing their results. The heavy breathing as you wait anxiously, waiting for them to call your mums name. You see the fear in her eyes too. Though No spoken words Will change how she feels. Then the moment you have both been dreading, they open the door, calling out your mums name, She slowly gets up, you can see the fear in her eyes grows stronger, she turns to you and smiles trying to pretend like nothings wrong. Then she enters . As the door closes your left to wait again. Time seemed to stop, You look at the clock, and it just doesnt feel like its moving, you feel your trapped, destined to stay in this one place for eternity. Just sitting, waiting , wondering. So many thoughts go through your head.
Is It Back?
What Can Be Done?
Will She Be OK?
Can I Do anything?
Then you stop again..............................
The door opens, You see the tears in your mothers eyes. You know the answer to all your questions. You freeze , You Cannot move and you cannot speak. Tears start to fill your eyes, You know your worst fears have come back to haunt you. Sitting down next to you, Your mother wraps you in her arms. You feel her warm embrace, Kissing your forehead she whispers she will be OK. You try to speak but no words come out, All you can do is sit and cry, shacking your head. Slowly you bring yourself together. You mange to say the one unanswered question that's be burning in your mind!
How Long?
You look into your mothers eyes, tears slowly rolling down her cheeks, she tries to smile and whispers Not Long, I'm Dying Danielle.
You feel your world crashing down before your eyes, The walls seem to cave in on you. You want to run! Run to where you ask yourself?
As you walk out the hospital you try to embrace every second with your mum. You look at her, and wonder. What is going through her head right now? You dare not ask. As you sit on the bus back home. You again look out the window, looking at the outside world.................... You start to think to yourself. Maybe this is happening for a reason, What that reason is your yet to find out, but for now all you can do is wait, make everyday with her special.
In the wise words of Drew Barrymore in the film Never been kissed.
Someone once told me that to write well you have to write what you know. This is what I know .....
My Life Story is still being written, the chapters are yet to be filled. So what can i really say about myself. I set myself goals, i have dreams and i intend to follow them. Life it so short to sit around and do nothing, you may as well enjoy it while you can. After all we only get one lifetime on this earth! What can i say about myself. I'm caring person, which can be my downfall as well as i care and trust people to much and wind up getting hurt. I'm Wild at heart and a right party animal. Always up for a dare and that comes without saying that im a very outgoing person.
Here however is some chapters from my life story. Lets start with my real dad.
Everything a man shouldn't be !! A Sailor in the Royal Navy.His name Anthony Hearn. I guess you could say he was never really their for me, He spent most his time away from home , or coming home drunk and using my mum as a punch bag. I don't remember him, but i do know that he never really loved me or my mum. I have been told so many stories on what he was like, that im glad i cant remember him, from what Ive been told he was nothing but a lying, abusive wife beater. Someone who got his kicks from hitting his wife & daughter, someone who stole of my mum and someone who cheated. Thankfully he walked out when i was 1 and Ive never heard from him since.
I go for the same questions everyday.
Do I think of him? Yes i do.
Does he think of me? Who knows!
Next lets move on to my Mother, A Hero in my eyes, An Angel who sadly lost her battle to cancer At the age of 40 !!. Her Name Della Tredgett. Their so many things i want to say about her but, this blog isn't big enough to express how much she did for me. So instead im going to put a poem in memory of her here.
Heaven needed another angel so thats why they choose you
Heaven needed another angel in a way im glad it was u mum
You brought joy and laughter to my life
You taught me right from wrong
You made me laugh you made me cry
And oh how we had so much fun
But then you became ill mum
I never understood why
Your cancer made u become weak everyday
Then it was my turn to look after you
The doctors helped me to
Then you said you loved me mum
I said it back to you
Thats the night you left me on my own
Because the angels needed you
They needed a kind and caring women
Someone to light their day
The reason they choose you mum
Is your special in every way
This women touched the life of so many people, she never gave up even though she knew the cancer was terminal. My Mother ran marathons while ill and raised over £4000 for the cancer unit that helped her. She battled this horrible illness for 8 years and in the end it toke my precious mother away. I do miss her everyday, After all i ended up being her full time carer near the end, it was always me and mum (specially after my step dad walked out but that's another chapter of my life to be told in another blog), It is hard to grow up without no parents. I always thought my mother would be their to see me have my first child, get married , even to see my 21st birthday.Sadly she never will and lost her battle on 26th September 2006. She will forever be missed and always in my heart. xxx xx
Next i move on to my baby brother Hayden Paul Tredgett, Sadly he was stillborn (born and died in the womb) . It broke my mothers heart when they told her, and how i longed to be a big sister. I was only young when he died but i still have the scars , the memory's of having to see his body be taken away from my mothers arms. So as you can imagine my dream of becoming a big sister was never meant to be. My mother had suffered countless miscarriages before Hayden, After that was when she found out she had cancer and couldn't have any more children, So i grow up a lonely child. Every 1st April i mourn the death of my brother, all though his soul never grassed this earth , i believe his spirit lives on.
This is a poem i wrote in memory of him...
Far In The Distance, I See a small figure
Who is this boy I see before me?
I Know him, He has my blood
Such a beautiful Child, he is running to me
As i see him,I run to hold him
I Lock my arms around him and shed a happy tear
As i hold my brother in my arms i feel no fear
Knowing that for this one moment no pain i will feel
Not a soul around, Not a word said
reunited with my brother needs no spoken words
I sit in the corner, Just a look and a smile is all i need
He sits next to me, Looking at me with love
Five Little words he whispers in my ear
"I Love you big sister" I break down, I freeze
I pull him close and tell him the love i feel
My brother dear, How i miss you so
Turn Back The clock and change the past
So we can look to the future and forget the past
To erase the hurt and the pain without you here
Make new memories of a lifetime with you near?
So Could We Start again please? Thats all i ask
Make New Memories and forget the past
